Returning to School: A Step-by-Step Guide
The Sunday of summer, August, is finally here. Most of us only have a few more weeks until we have to return to jail – or, as the delusional like to call it, school. It’s going to be a hard transition (like going from Bruce to Caitlin. But look at how hot she turned out to be!) Coming back to school after 3 months of stuffing your face, watching Netflix, and being completely unproductive can be a scary transition for kids. Thankfully, Facts of School has composed a guide to help make this transition as painless as possible. Just follow these steps to help return to school while suffering minimal mental breakdowns!
1. Accept that you will have to go back.
Denial is a natural human reaction when faced with difficult change. Returning to school means you have to fully accept that will have to go back. Start reading the piece of trash novel that your teacher has assigned you to write a report on. Write your stupid report. And remember: it is completely okay to cry.
2. Go shopping and slay all the basic bitches with some flawless back-to-school outfits.
If you have to go back to school, you can at least go back in style. Steal your mom’s credit card and prepare for the upcoming school years by looking fabulous. Avoid: crocs, Confederate flag apparel, anything with a pot leaf pattern, because it just looks stupid.
3. Cope with food.
Food will never keep you after the bell rings. Food will never yell at you for texting in class. Food won’t ever call you into the principal’s office and tell you that he saw the Snapchat story of you twerking on a desk while the teacher is out of the room because he DOESN’T GET THAT IT WAS FUCKING FUNNY. Sorry. Anyway, food will always be there for you and now that summer is over, you can stop pretending you’re on a “summer body” diet.
4. Remember that Christmas break isn’t that far away at all!
It won’t be too long until you can jingle your bells and stand all alone under the mistletoe! Christmas break is just around the corner!
5. Ignore all prior advice and run away from home.
Forget everything I’ve just said. Pack a bag, buy a bus ticket, and go far, far away. If, for some reason, you feel a connection to your parents and still love them despite the fact that they’re the ones who made you go to school in the first place, leave them a note, but don’t give away your location. Don’t forget to pack enough food to last you until next summer. If you can’t find a stable place to stay, join a cult as your last resort. Anything is better than going back to school.
Good luck! You can do this!