9 Ridiculous Things That Teachers Say

by Ben Lewis

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For people who are paid to share their knowledge, teachers sure do say some stupid things. And it seems that worldwide, teachers tick their students off in the same ways – there’s probably some secret teacher alliance (ISIS??) that all teachers go to so they can plan their ridiculous clichés and then say them to us students so we can become more miserable. Here are some of the most ridiculous things that teachers say:

1. “The bell doesn’t excuse you…I excuse you!”

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Image courtesy of http://www.pvsd.k12.ca.us/

Teachers sure have gotten big for their britches recently. We’ve all been there – the class has been misbehaving, and the teacher holds everyone back as punishment, because another few minutes of hell is a fitting punishment for misbehaving. If teachers really do dismiss their students, then why are there bells in the first place? What is there purpose? Just random little noises that happen to occur every forty-five minutes but mean absolutely nothing? Listen, honey – if the bell is ringing, then my cute little ass is leaving, and you get the pleasure of watching it go. Congratulations.

2. Student: “May I use the restroom?” Teacher: “Is it an emergency?”

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Image courtesy of decobizz.com

Whenever I ask a teacher to use the bathroom, they always say that I can go “if it’s an emergency.” What constitutes a bathroom emergency anyway? If by “emergency,” you mean an ambulance might need to be called and fatalities may occur, no, my bladder being full is not an emergency. If it means I’m mildly uncomfortable and have to take a leak, yeah, it’s an emergency. Either way, I’m only asking to be polite. Nature will be running its course sooner or later either way.

3. “You’re only hurting yourself by not studying.”

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Image courtesy of blogdailyherald.com

Lies! I’ve failed countless quizzes and tests and have not been injured once by my lack of studying – if anything, I’ve avoided being hurt by not touching my notes, which could potentially give me a paper cut!

4. “No gum in my class!”

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Image courtesy of http://21onuv2o3diqcdqccz3o9c12iv.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/

A teacher is staring intently at a student with an expression that can only be described as a mixture of shock, disgust, anger, and disappointment. Is he killing someone? Watching porn? Drinking? Smoking cigarettes? Wearing crocs? What could he possibly be doing to extract such a serious reaction from a teacher? The answer is chewing gum. You would think that gum is an addictive and illegal drug with the way that some teachers despise it so much. Maybe they’re just upset they didn’t get offered a piece.

5. “Would you like to read that note you’re passing to the whole class?”

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If a teenager is passing a note with one of his/her friends in class, it is most likely full of swear words, inappropriate comments, and/or lewd jokes. Of course no one wants to read it to the whole class. Why ask?

6. “Did I ask you to talk?”

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Image courtesy of http://www1.uwe.ac.uk/

No, you didn’t ask me to talk. Just like I didn’t ask to be sent away to an institutionalized system of education where I’m judged by my peers, forced to do a ridiculous amount of work, and listen to you babble on and on about God knows what. Nobody asked for any of this. Now let me finish talking.

7. “You have to do things this way because this is how I did them.”

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Image courtesy of https://serendipiteeblog.files.wordpress.com

I have a teacher who limits the amount of internet sources I can use in papers because he/she didn’t have the Internet back in his/her day. By this logic, I should be using a typewriter to write my papers. Better yet, I should be using a slab of stone and chalk to write my papers because not everyone had this modern technology! And by that criteria I should only be able to use sources from the before the year you graduated because you didn’t have those sources as a child. This ridiculous and flawed logic is the type of sh*t that makes students want to pull their hair out.

8. “There are no stupid questions.”

See numbers 2, 5, and 6.

and my personal favorite…

9. “You’ll need to know this if you ever go on Jeopardy!”

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Image courtesy of http://images.performgroup.com/

Is it just at my school, or do teachers always tell you that you’ll need to know the worthless information they give you if you ever happen to go on Jeopardy? First of all, who watches that show anymore? Secondly, what are the odds of me not only appearing on that game show, but also remembering what I learned after the test? Can’t teachers just admit that we’ll never need to know the stupid crap they teach us instead of telling us it’ll come in handy when we appear on boring TV shows (which will NEVER happen)??

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